Mother: Alienation + gatekeeping
North Carolina Jul 26, 2026
Location: North Carolina. I’ll try to be brief. Separated 8 to 9 years, still legally married state of North Carolina. One child, live with other parent. Never been a court/custody order, have worked with other parent amicably for the best interest of the child since the separation. Past two years, the trials of estrangement has increased to no contact, whips nothing has been verbalized, but I do not receive phone calls or text from the child, neither do they respond to text or phone calls. There have been patterns of alienating and gatekeeping behaviors over the period of separation. Prior years they were not major and did not prevent total communication with my kid. Honestly, the first 2 to 3 years, I dealt with great grief and stress about the situation, but did not seek custody as child was in the more stable home with mother. As long as communication was open with the child, it appeared manageable with the other parent. The previous five years I have been dealing with a major chronic health issue been in out of the hospital for major surgeries. Child is now 16. State of North Carolina says I have equal rights as a parent as i, and the other parent are still legally married and only separated. I feel like I have let the alienation and gatekeeping escalate over the course of the previous years, believing that the other parent was amicable, but it was a part of ongoing parental alienation. One of the last interactions I’ve had with my child, the child said in a conversation, “my mom said what you say, doesn’t matter“. And so over the past two years and appears that what my child has repeated here is possibly what the child is and has been fed by their other parent while they are in their household. I know with court orders, a family court judge can prohibit both parents from talking disparagingly about the other parent. But there are no such guidelines when you don’t have a court order. I have talked to law enforcement and also two attorneys who all said the child is pretty much an adult. They didn’t say that I couldn’t file a court order. I’m really concerned about the child’s safety, whereabouts, and welfare. I don’t necessarily disagree that the child shouldn’t reside with the mother primarily. I do disagree with her gatekeeping and communication interference practices that do not fit the best interest of the child long-term, which is evident now. What is my best option at this point? Is it a wait until the child turns 18 and is in college and try to establish a stronger relationship? I just don’t understand the mindset of any biological parent that would try to restrict communication and access of another biological parent, especially if there is no history of family violence. I have my personal opinions on high conflict, well they’re not even opinions. They’re actually documented facts. But, I have tried to work and be amicable with the other parent over these past nine years. Thinking that the situation would get better overtime, it’s actually escalated to this point where I can’t check on the safety of my child and get a timely response. Local law enforcement did advise. I had the right to request wellness checks. I just don’t believe that if you know, the child is in a stable situation and it’s not in what the criteria for wellness checks is, that they should be used frivolously. I was given this advice when I called to report that I’m not able to get in contact with my child over several weeks and I wanted this to be documented for future reference. The state of North Carolina, is the declaration that “both parents have equal rights to the child” only applies if you have a court order? I know I was told verbatim by an officer when we first separated that legally, I could take the child with me just like the mother had taken the child to another residence. It seems like with a separation or divorce, people discover all the differences between them and their former spouse in every aspect of parenting. A lot of things I don’t feel are safe that our child is allowed to do by the other parent, but she makes those decisions unilaterally without even consulting beforehand. Absolute nightmare to worry about the whereabouts of your child and not be able to get an update as to whether they’re safe or not like most normal parents are able to do who are not having their communication gate kept or interfered with. Is there anything available to regularly check on my kids safety without a court with a former spouse who refuses to communicate and gate keeps on blocks my child’s communication?
